A Bad Man is Hard to Find

Lord Turnips was just baffled.

He had no idea where to look for the sort of underworld characters he would need to subdue a planet. His purposes were not nefarious. He only wanted to beautify a planet. He would offer the citizens enough credits to relocate. He was enough of a business man however to know that one never starts a negotiation from a position of weakness. So, having some muscle along would be critical. Also, he knew that his caravan would present a tempting morsel for pirates or other hostile elements.

He thought of calling Admiral Rossoroni but he knew that he had, in semi-retirement, taken a financial analysis job with the Ares Corporation. Even if he couldn't help because of the annual Imperial budget cycle, He'd be the sort who'd know a couple of trustworthy brigands. As it turned out he did know such a character: Juan Seis Armas.

Outfitting the Expedition

Lord Turnips contemplated the outlay for his small fleet of ships. He had three of the 200 Ton Liger-Class Safari ships, a Kugashin-Class 400-Ton Laboratory Ship and of course two of the 1000 Ton bulk carriers.

His plan was to purchase enough of the soil and hydro needed for his wife's plans to establish the garden colony. He could carry most of that in the bulk ships. The planet's M class atmo would sustain the soil and water but he'd need to terraform most of what he needed. That would probably entail complications with the locals. His safari ships--which would also carry the family Turnips in fine style--particularly the HMS Frank Chadwick--had hard points which he could mount a double turret blaster cannon. HMS Ashton Kutcher, His lab ship was, by treaty, not allowed to mount weapons. He'd have more trouble with the bulk carriers because they didn't have the needed hard points. If his tiny caravan encountered trouble on the way or if they needed to subdue locals from space they might have some serious trouble. Perhaps he should spend some of his credits on a warship. That would eat into his reserves he would need to spend on the regiment of drones.

Oh bother.

A Simple Meal: Eaten in Silence

Lord Turnips contemplated the hostility he knew he would be experiencing from Lady Turnips when she divined that he was unsuccessful in bribing the Queen's ministers for her grandiose dreams of Greater Lockgatia. He had failed to turn the ear or adequately grease the palms of the Minister for Gaia Soil preservation and the Earth Resources Board Minister. He came very close to cajoling the Minister of Defense into authorizing him to form a new regiment of drone infantry but it was struck down in the QJROC.

He sat sipping at his chai, eating a simple meal of Edam cheese, and a high protein bar he had invented out of turnips and apple cores. He conteplated his next moves. He had the safari ships and at least a few transports he could use to move the soil to Zarkson 4. He knew the finest horticulturalists and hydraulogical engineers who could help him transform the green M class world into his garden paradise. Of course there were the locals to deal with. That was why he needed the troops. His household regiments were off fighting at the far end of the Spiral Arm and wouldn't be redeployed until that mess was over with the Vogons.

Do I risk it? Do I have the resources to do everything at
once? How do I go halfway and then finish up next year when the
resources are available? If only I had a dynamic capability assessment
model of some sort. What if the local population resists?

An Early Morning Phone Call

Grand Admiral Rossaroni sat at his desk on the 140th floor of the Ares Corporation Headquarters building waiting for his computer to boot up. You might say he was sitting idly. His computer was only 2 years old, yet all the interminable scans, checks, executables, and "svchost.exe"s that were being pushed on him resulted in his computer having the analytyic power of a chipmonk for a good 20 minutes every morning.

On top of that, he had to be in early today, as his job as Chief Analytical Flunky for the Widget Interoperablity Program (CAF for the WIP) required him to spend 5 minutes preparing a slide explaining the benefits to the company if the Life Support budget for the Vesta Asteroid mining colony was reduced to zero during the next fiscal year. As Vesta was the least profitable Widget manufacturing site, it only made sense to eliminate unnecessary administrative fucntions that didn't generate revenue.

After that was done, Rossaroni decided to spend some time looking out the window. This was difficult, as his office didn't have a window. But he walked to a nearby office that did have a window, and looked down onto early morning mists that obscured the view of most of the capital. Off to his right he saw the gleaming spires of the Mclean Stevenson Stadt-based Summer Palace, and far off to the left he could see the firery plumes rising from the Reston Spaceport.

But he didn't have long to soak in the view, as he heard his viso-phone squawking in his office. It was Lord Turnips, his old pal. He was extremely agitated.

Turnips: "Admiral, you've got to help me, I'm extemely agitated!"

Rossaroni: "What is it, old pal, has the revolution come?"

T: "Exactly! I fear my latest antics have resulted in a proletarian uprising."

R: "Indeed. tell me all about it."

Turnips then explained about how he kicked two minor functionaries out of an office, and that all heck had broken out as a result.

R: "I'm surprised that a simple office usurption should cause a Red Revolt. Who were these prols you put out on the street?"

T: "Well, one of them WAS Johnny Six Guns"

R: "Johnny Ilyich Six Guns?"

T: "The same."

R: "Well, that is a horse of an entirely different color. I had no idea he had returned from exile on the Luna colony, let alone that he had a job as a minor functionary for your company. This will require some delicate finesse in order to avert catastrophe. And by 'delicate' I mean that we may have to burn large portions of the city to the ground."

T: "Then we'll need to call Woody."

R: "Precisely."

Awaiting an Audience

Lord Turnips was not used to waiting. He sat idly in the lounge of the Mclean Stevenson Stadt-based Summer Palace. He was on the 7th floor of a building he used to sit in around the turn of the last millennium. At that time he was a minor functionary of Her Majesty's Britannic Galactic Empire worried mainly about how much wood a wood chuck could chuck and if he would chuck if he did chuck how many mensurated target images could be fit upon the head of a pin.

He remembered fondly his work at that time with Lord Woodpecker-Smythe who, though perhaps quite daft, was a jolly good analyst of such things and particularly good at kow-towing to the Empress' ministers. Woody had the ability to flatter and cajole even the most amphibian of personages.

Lord Turnips who had by this time had amassed enough credits to purchase 3 different offworld safari ships, had funded his own psionic institute, had countless sports teams and stadia and had his name on the trophy of 4 separate World-wide sports leagues was growing tired of waiting. He clearly had not bribed these ministers sufficiently or with enough style. It clearly wasn't a question of money. He could use Woody's grovelling powers now.

He sat in the visiting plutocrat office mulling over the potential for a hybrid asparagus/broccoli mixture when he received a call from his wife, Lady Turnips.

"Dearest, has though bribed enough of the lackey ministers to gain approval for my plans for Greater Lockgatia?"

A curious discovery

Lady Turnips and I discovered this statue while yachting. We found this on an island just north of Sao Tome off the coast of Africa. Our location was just north of 1 00 N, 7 00 E.

Seems a bit early for the Lawgiver to appear in our milieu.

Bullets Over Reston Space Port

Johnny Sixguns peered closely at the tractor fed paper taped to the the door of office 11071. It was printed with what was obviously an 8 pin printer. His lips moved silently as he attempted to read the fancy "blackadder" script Turnips was so fond of.

"Dear Johnny Sixguns and Cecil Tophat,

According to Deanna the office fixer-upper people will be in on Wednesday to change out the office from the proletarian 2 person style to the autocratic 1 person style properly befitting a bloated top hat-wearing plutocrat like myself. Please get the deleterious relics of your time in 11071 out by Wed AM."

As he reached the 'out by Wed AM' portion of the letter, he slowly reached for his revolver and glanced at the rest of the letter. When he noticed what Turnips was doing with a $10,000 bill and the cohiba, he spit out the day old coffee he'd been swilling and fired his guns into the air (which actually was the next office up - luckily it was only occupied by some expendable level III's)

"TURNIPS" he roared, his sombrero slipping from his reared back head "I'll get you no matter where you try to go!"

"Johnny"

This was Cecil. He spoke in a quiet tone.

"Johnny, I have a better idea for our 'friend' Turnips and it involves the use of this small device"

Cecil withdrew a small Spanish Ear Screw from his left holster pocket.

"I believe" and here he steepled his fingers, "that this should do the trick"

Johnny holstered his pistols and blew the smoke from the cold steel barrels.

"Why Cecil, I think I'll leave it to you this time - you're the best tracker I've ever seen this side of Sonora, where do you think he went?"

"I smell the print out of one, no two, airline tickets and judging by the remants of kiwi fruit and McDonald's bags littering the floor, I believe he is headed to New Zealand."

"Wow, you are GOOD!" Johnny exclaimed as he hopped on his fancy riding Wyvern.

"Yes, you might call me a 'jack of all trades'" replied Cecil donning his ablative armor.