A Glorious Return to First Person Narrative

I patiently surveyed my fellow players. Since I had taken my place at the elegant green gaming table, two of my fellows had mysteriously departed. They had been replaced by two stone-faced gents wearing Bishop’s miters for indeed they were bishops. Their thick fingers glittered with the regalia of office – a polished set of brass knuckles inlaid with the finest gems and gold thread depicting a sequence from the book of Daniel. Their thick bodies were encased in glorious purple fabric which glittered under the Casino track lighting.

It is well known, this type prefers the “Evelyn Tremble” method of Chemin De Fer and therefore I must absolutely, without fail, be on my guard at all times!

Presently, I made myself comfortable and began reviewing numerous stratagems before deciding on the “King’s Indian Defense” which sets up excellent gambits and allows me to avoid anti-Sicilian systems such as employed by Bishops, Knaves, Cutpurses, Footpads and some Fops. The central aim is to allow the opponents to build up a strong center which I then quickly demolish! Huzzah!

The dealer’s query of “Carte Monsieur?” quickly returned me to the task at hand however.

“But of course, sir” I replied pleasantly enough – it was a three of spades – I placed 15,000 francs worth of chips on the table. The faux Rakshasa hunter drew in a sharp breath but both Bishops remained calm behind their Ray-Ban style sunglasses.

Shortly thereafter the dealer, a certain Senor Wallace Chang, called “Neuf ala Banc” which as we all know means victory for your humble narrator. I shant bore you with the next several hands but they went a bit like this: KQP3, RkKntsPwn7, Pg4, Bb7, Hflat, 9, 8, 7, 9, and 5340orfight.

Child’s play – Lady M should be pleased.

My winning streak began to make me feel a bit peckish and so I called to the nearby waitress, hailing her with a friendly, “Madchen, Oh, Madchen!, over here luv!!”

She arrived toute suite and I ordered my favorite snack , the house specialty, funnel cakes with powdered sugar and extra whipped cream!

“Be a dear and make sure you bring the extra large order to boot!” I called after her as she bustled off.

Oh, I couldn’t wait for it to arrive!!! The flaky golden goodness; the creamy, sweet non-dairy whipped topping and naturally gobs and gobs of yummy powdered sugar!!!!

Seeing that I had a few moments before the next round and my snacks, I pulled out my favorite acoustic guitar and serenaded the adoring crowd with a special rendition of “The Look of Love.” (I strongly suggest that the reader acquire a copy of this fine song and play it whilst reading this thrilling tale!).

Serendipitously, the funnel cakes arrived on the Casino Lisboa’s finest paper-mache plates, embossed with the Casino’s logo as I concluded my number. I brought one to my nose to inhale the delicate aroma – ahh delicious! For the next several minutes I contented myself by munching on two funnel cakes at once – one in each hand (I’m sure Lady Lyme Weoghe wouldn’t approve – I as violating her sacred edicts against both gambling and messy eating).

The gambling could wait a moment – and the cards were covered with a fine dusting of powdered sugar anyway plus my hands were all sticky.

But wait, hold on a tic – my hands weren’t sticky enough – where the deuce was the whipped cream I’d expressly ordered!!!!! Fool of a chef!

I hastily asked the two bishops (I trusted them as they were men of the cloth) with the 750,000 francs I had on the table as well as the suitcase full of money Lady M left me.

“I’ll be back in a thrice after I show this establishment what for!” I bellowed.

Upon my return twenty minutes alter, with the proper serving of whipped cream topping I might add, I quickly deduced that the two bishops had scarpered off.

“Uh Oh, Lady Marzipan’s not going to like this” I quietly thought to myself.

“I heard that Woody, you imbecile” came an immediately recognizable voice.

I nearly jumped out of my skin “You should be more careful about sneaking up on people like that Lady Marzipan!” I added.

Lady M vented, “Shut your trap, Woodburger. What the hell is all this powdery stuff covering every inch of your clothes and the gaming table”

“Well you see, I was a bit peckish, need a funnel cake …” I was interrupted.

“You what??? Listen up brainless wonder, never mind, now tell me the truth, did you lose every franc I gave you for the single purpose of winning enough money for a second Q-Device” she asked.

“Yes” I replied quite meekly at this point.

“Did you ask two chaps wearing quasi-religious garb to ‘watch this money’ for me?” she continued somewhat sassily.

“Uh, yes” was my answer, in a near whisper.

“Stay right here dumbkopf” she said and then continued to Stuart and Scaramanga, “If he moves, feed him to the ornamental crocodiles in the Casino aquarium.”

“Alls I can say, is that I better get my money back” she added with finality.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode “The Albin Counter-Gambit OR The Double Bishop Sacrifice”