Golem Rage

The Young Master Rushing, Golem-Fedor, Kaotic E, Zimbar, The Marquis De’BocK, and the entire Penna clan sat crowded around a small, futuristic table in a seedy cantina centrally located in the Mos Eisley space port. No one seemed to be having a good time despite gay bunting draping the cantina’s party room and the festive party hats each wore.

The futuristic jukebox played Ben Folds Five “One Angry Dwarf And 200 Solemn Faces”

Young Master Rushing glumly toyed with a piece of cake while Zimbar and Kaotic E complained loudly about Cash and Vardaman. The Marquis De’BocK argued with the Penna’s about the merits of Quiet Riot and Patrick O’Brien. Golem-Fedor sat alone, immobile as he had not yet been given the command to party.

Slowly the Rushing rose to his feet. By the 10th bar, the tune's catchy back-beat had invigorated and inspired him.

“I’m sick of cooling our heels in this center of filth and villainy. Let’s find Turnips, Woodpecker and the Admiral and kick their cheating &^$*^$@& wherever and whenever they are! Who’s with me?”

The Golem-Fedor moved imperceptibly at first. First a finger tip then the corner of his mouth. Suddenly, his fist came down, crushing the table and the neon bulbs beneath.

"Golem-Fedor will follow Master and crush his enemies."

And the others soon followed suit.

STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT: BEACH BLANKET ATROCITY

Inane: (adj.) - lacking sense, significance, or ideas

Fade in. The location is Captain Nemo's personal dining room on board the Nautilus. Seated at the table are Nemo, Lord Turnips (with a bandage wrapped around his head), and Brigadier Rossaroni.

Rossaroni: Well Nemo, I've got to hand it to you, in addition to your ingenious plan which retook control of the Nautilus from Marzipan's minions, you've put your dining salon back into top form. Pray tell us what we have in store for us this evening, in addition to this marvelous port and salmon roe you've served for the amuse course.

Nemo: Delighted to, sir. After the amuse course, the palate is best served with some sort of cold appetizer. In this case, wild mushroom canape. As the canape is a bit spicy, the lobster bisque that follows will be an excellent taste juxtaposition and should enhance the flavour substantially.

Rossaroni: But if you're planning to serve some shellfish after this course, which I assume you are, wouldn't that clash with the lobster?

Nemo: That is precisely why we have a boullion between the two courses!

Rossaroni: Ha! Ha! Of course! I should have known! Turnips, by the way, how's that head of yours?

Turnips: It's nothing compared to the worry I have over my poor boy. How long before we get back to Kowloon?

Nemo: We should arrive tomorrow night, m'Lord. Now, where was I? Oh yes, as you correctly surmised, we will be having shellfish after our broth. Steamed scallops with ginger and garlic to be specific. Now, and this I believe you will find most exciting, as we move into the Antipasto phase of the meal, I'm going to completely change course and shun seafood for the rest of the meal.

Rossaroni: How daring!

Nemo: Indeed. I believe you will find the bruschetta antipasto an excellent lead-in to the parmigiana di melanzane of the pasta course. It's one of my chef's specialities.

Turnips: I'm a big fan of turnip dishes, how nice of you to have one tonight. Say, when did you say we get to Picadilly?

Nemo (casting a glance and a raised eyebrow to Rossaroni): We get back to Kowloon tomorrow night, m"Lord.

Turnips: Splendid!

Rossaroni: Ye...es. Um, back to the dinner then. Let me see if I can guess what we'll be having next, if I may?

Nemo: Certainly.

Rossaroni: Well, naturally, I assume we'll be having some sort of sorbet Intermezzo at this point, but after that I fancy, in order to be in keeping with your daring seafood free schema, you'll be going in the direction lamb or bird at this point.

Nemo: Well, which one? I can't let you guess both.

Rossaroni (laughing): Indeed not. Well, if for no other reason than you're a Navy man, I'm going to say that you're not a big fan of lamb, so I'm going to go in the avian direction. With chicken being too pedestrian for you, I'm going to hang my hat on Cornish Game Hens.

Nemo: So close! So close! It's quail.

(General laughter ensues)

Nemo: After the quail we will dive straight into the beef. Beef Wellington, in honour of your great general. And we'll be adding a mischevious twist, with a french sauce, bringing France and Britain together at last!

Rossaroni: Nicely done! I can only imagine what the dessert courses will look like.

Nemo: I think I'll keep that secret until we're done with the beef. To build the anticipation. But I'll give you a hint that there will be a pudding, ice cream, cheese, fruit, coffee, and Petit four course. That makes a total of 16 courses.

Rossaroni: Bravo! Marvelous!

Turnips (sotto voce): That's monstrous.

Sticks and Stones

(imagine this is a very attractive Chinese woman in a tight sweater, mini-skirt and go-go boots)

After Captain Stuart Turnips and Scaramanga enjoyed their corndogs and their discussion on metaphysics they decided to go back into Mr. Woo’s shop and see if they could get a good deal on the Headstone of the Staff of Ra. As it turned out they were in luck. Apparently, Mr. Woo and his sour attitude toward the English were on lunch break and a young Asian woman was working the counter. Scaramanga let out a low whistle when he saw the tight sweater, mini skirt and go-go boots worn by this comely lass.

He decided to turn on the charm to see if he could get a deal on the Headstone.
[Scaramanga] "‘ello luv".
[Comely lass] "Hello, welcome to Woo Store".
[Scaramanga] "'a treachie ‘ow much does this cost". (points to the headstone)
[Comely lass] "Um, not so sure…let me check in book." (looks down into a 3 ring binder) "I think that is 75 Pounds. "
[Scaramanga] "Would ya take Niffty Quid for that"? (holds up a fifty- Pound note)
[Comely lass] "Ok, ok, sure, sure".

Scaramanga and Captain Stuart looked at each other unbelieving their luck to get such a deal on the headstone. They purchase the headstone and decided to head out of Kowloon Walled City back to Scaramanga’s Island to regroup, figure out what to do with the headstone, perhaps formulate a plan for rescuing Captain Stuart’s crew, and see if any of Scaramanga’s entourage had survived.

As they pulled Scaramanga’s ultra-modern yacht cleverly disguised as a Chinese Junk into the lagoon where he maintained his moorings, they noticed a pall of smoke rising from his compound. Scattered around the grounds of his estate were the dead bodies of Scaramanga’s surviving “Army of Martial Artists”. Men who had thought so much of themselves for their victory at the Lucky Dragon now lay dead. Scaramanga inspected the carnage. It was evident that Chop-xin, Lin Ye Tan, Fang Chi, Timothy and about a dozen unidentified members of Scaramanga's entourage did not expect that General Tang’s men would be waiting for them here on Scaramanga’s Island. They appeared to be mowed down as they emerged from the dockside. Scaramanga shook his head.

[Scaramanga] "I just can’t believe it. Chop-xin, Lin Ye Tan, Fang Chi, Timothy and about a dozen others. Tang you Bastard!" (at this Scaramanga clutched his fist)
[Captain Stuart] "It looks like General Tang was waiting for them. If he’s done this what could he have done with my crew"?
[Unidentified Voice] "You’ll have plenty of time to find out for yourself Young Captain Stuart."

With that Scaramanga and Captain Stuart looked up to see the glowering fu-manchu- mustached face of a Red Chinese General. The General was accompanied by at least a company of stern faced soldiers, armed with bayonets, rifles and submachine guns.

[Scaramanga] "General Tang you swine"!

With that General Tang motioned to his men to seize Captain Stuart and Scaramanga. As burlap bags were placed atop their heads they saw General Tang walk over to the dead body of one of Scaramanga’s entourage and collect the “mis-borrowed” first edition copy of Balzac’s Human Comedy that had caused the feud.

[General Tang] "Sticks and stones may break my bones . . . Sticks and stones."

With that he began laughing, and following his lead, his lackeys began roaring with diabolical laughter.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles & Its Gross Innaccuracies About Nuclear Power

Last night's Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, while quite entertaining and enjoyable, was a TRAVESTY of innaccuracies about nuclear power and nuclear safety! Easily the second most innacurate thing I've seen on TV this week.*

ITEM 1: Since when can Sarah Connor and a frickin' Terminator get a security clearance for a nuclear power plant? And in one day!!! Isn't she "off the grid" and living under assumed names? How can her background "check out"?

ITEM 2: Derek Reese (played by Brian Austin Green, from Melrose Place ...er, so I am told, as I never watched the show...) drives his truck right up to the entrance to the power plant and walks right in. Hello? Where's security?

ITEM 3: The cartoon that Sarah and the Terminator watched on nuclear power, while technically accurate for the most part, depicted fuel rods as glowing green dancing girls. This is a gross exaggeration.

ITEM 4: Sarah, who apparently is just a janitor, is told to enter into some sort of nuclear waste storage area to clean up a spill. A janitor with 1 day on the job, and no experience, training, or authorization in the handling of radioactive material! Oh, and she entered the storage room wearing a hazmat suit (at least the kind of hazmat suit you see on TV). Sheesh!

ITEM 5: After being in said storage room, she is said to be "crapped up." There is no such term in the nuclear power industry. Now, radioactive particulates found in the reactor piping are called CRUD (which stands for Chalk River Unidentified Deposits - named after the Canadian reactor where it was first discovered), but this has nothing to do with getting contaminated. Why didn't they just say she was "contaminated"?

ITEM 6: John Connor meets a hot blond at school and takes her to his home after knowing her for, like, 4 hours. Very unrealistic in my experience (sadly).

Like I said at the top, a very enjoyable show, but would it have killed them to hire an expert in nuclear power? My rates are very reasonable.

- Coach Rossaroni

* The most innaccurate thing I saw this week on TV was a Sci-Fi movie I flipped by on Saturday, in which an actor was wearing an Air Force blue short sleeved shirt with Sergeant stripes, Captain bars on his collar, and was being called "Lieutenant" by his Navy Commander boss.