The Inept Wizard of The Rusty Palm

After receiving the gift of the Magic Dingus of Seven Parts from the glistening misty figure: Raven Odinsdottir, Hannon/Lord Turnips considered his plight. He looked into the blood-strewn crater and saw a scrap of a parchment. He picked it up and read it. It was an editorial from the Elders of the Fort of the River Straights, an important center of artisanry in the Kingdom located in the South East Corner of the Peninsula of the Rusty Palm (aka Michigan).

(Carl the Inept)

Carl the Inept --a wizard who has sat upon the Council of the Important in an impressive marble building for 30 years (1979-2009) in league with fellow important wizards. This wizard sat upon as chairman of the all powerful Armed Services Committee of the council of the Important for most of these years. During this time his home province, the Peninsula of the Rusty Palm has received naught in federal military spending and indeed even drew down several important bases. Carl the Inept now stands up to defend the Peninsula of the Rusty Palm during its most critical hour. He mounts no rebuke at all to the Bane of the Peninsula's citizenry, Lord Shelby the Jackass, of the Province of Crimson Tides who has secured innumerable federal dollars for the seer-sucker and straw-boater garbed denizens of his province, and provided lucrative incentives for lucky foreign artisans who have protected home markets to come produce at lower cost in his province so as to undercut the people of the Peninsula of the Rusty Palm. So now when Lord Shelby the Jackass argues that the artisans and industry of the Peninsula of the Rusty Palm are to be cut off from survival funding due to the failures of the Merchants of the Skyscraper Island to keep the banking system of the land afloat, it appears he has an agenda: to destroy the artisans of the Peninsula and all the people of that state so that there is greater power for the Province of the Crimson Tides and its sister provinces.

(Lord Shelby the Jackass)


Well, thanks a bunch Carl the Inept and thanks a bunch Lord Shelby the Jackass, from the people of the Peninsula of the Rusty Palm and our sister states of the lands of the Snowy North. We'll keep you in mind when the next hurricane comes to your land. Perhaps you should have seen that coming? Wishing a plague of ghoul frogs to devour your homes and for a Basilisk to kiss your mothers. Eds.

So back to our story.....

After reading the editorial parchment, Perhaps it was a memory from his own youth when last his home peninsula was under the same level of duress, Lord Turnips/Hannon remembered a little better that he wasn't supposed to call Debbie V. In fact she was the sister of John V and she was often tantalizingly present to enjoy the banter of meetings of the Good Party co-led by John Wisshard and Hannon Troll-Slayer. Although John V served in a Chief Financial Officer role and had substantial perks and benefits of the other members of the C-suite, he had no veto power over party adventuring activities.

Lord Turnips/Hannon recalled also that whilst the Good Party enjoyed many outstanding adventures and had blasted to smithereens, rendered unto dust, dispatched with make-do monster vertebrae flails, and generally smoten . . . many a foe, they had done so under the banner of lawful goodishness. So it was with some confusion he asked Admiral Rossoroni the appropriate casus belli that led them to sack the Temple of the Daughters of Odin and Count Grimani’s Castle?

Strange Parallel Universe

Fog and smoke shrouded the fire-routed village of Livonia, home of several encampments of the once-mighty wizards who produced carriages for the good citizens of the kingdom. Fisher Body, Ford Transmission, Delco Electronics, GM Engines, and thousands of artisans and guilds who supported them were all left homeless, and without the copper pieces to pay their monthly cable tv bills or for the strange leavened-bread pies with sliced pork, cheese and the sauce of the once-feared tomato.

The kingdom had suffered for years from leaders and citizens who viewed the work of the wizards as inferior to goods produced by non-guild laborers and artisans. Stories abounded of the employees who slept in the rafters of the encampments or were strong with mead or other potions. Some of the worst stories involved illegal apothecary and even one evil worker who ran an assasins guild from the encampment whose sole purpose was to keep the other workers in line.

Many citizens of the kingdom did not enjoy the experiences they had when they went to purchase a carriage. Carriage salesmen were infamous for their vile deceits.

Other citizens viewed the carriages as wasteful. They felt that carriages should be smaller and take fewer horses to pull them. This was particularly concerning as many horses came from the evil lands of Balmor, whose kings spoke with two faces about their alliances with a band of orcs, kobold, ogres and vile brigands in the Krag Mountains. Citizens felt that if they used fewer horses, Balmor would not be able to support the denizens of the Krag Mountains.

The good people of Livonia looked upon the wreckage of their village and recalled the multi-fold times that their carriage works had saved the kingdom and the pride they had when their carriages had once led the crusades that drove the forces of various evils from the World.

Other citizens of Livonia recalled that many in the south of the Kingdom enjoyed racing these carriages and wondered what carriages they would use if there were no more artisans.

The workers and artisans of Livonia would need to summon mighty magics to turn back the destruction of their fair village. They would need to fight the blind clerics who supported the previous king, who while fighting an expensive war in the Krag Mountains, caused an increase in prices that made the Balmor horses so expensive. They would need to fight the blind merchants of the villages of New York and the Eastern shore who cared not a wit for the Livonia-ites (as it was a rather unfashionable village). They would need to fight the wit-less citzens of the Rock-candy Mountains who under the spell of various illusionists, viewed all carriages as anathema and felt that the citizens of the kingdom should move about in magic tubes.

The poor citizens of the village of Livonia had few friends and the future looked very bleak indeed. Unless some help arrived for the nearly powerless wizards the village's destruction would be complete.