My Big Fat Lokarian Wedding

Lord Toranaga sipped from a fine crystal goblet.

Smacking his lips, he announced “This is a fine white zinny! I shall serve it at our wedding feast!”

Lady M was not impressed.

“How many times do I have to tell you there is no way I’ll marry you – I’d rather marry one of your Sahuagin brutes!”

“Oh please, do not be cross my sweet – it upsets my staff, especially the White Shadow – he despises conflict.”

Toranaga then took another gulp of the zinfandel and raised a glittering coin to his eye.

“You see, I’ve already directed the mint to design a new gold piece featuring you and I reclining in our royal beach chairs – note the fine engraving which includes details such as the novelty straws protruding from our fat Buddha shaped mugs – I designed it myself.”

To which Tornaga’s three henchmen exclaimed in unison, “Wow boss you are an artistic genius!!”

“True, true, let us drink to my artistic genius, then I'll show you the designs for the bridesmaids outfits!”

Toranaga did not finish the toast for at that moment Johnny Sixguns came exploding through the oaken door in a cloud of sawdust and bat guano.

Toranaga sprayed the remains of a mouthful of white zinfandel in surprise.

Holding a large, still vibrating frying pan (recently used on the White Shadow’s noggin) in one hand, Johnny strode up to the surprised pair of Toranaga and Lady Marzipan.

“Is this guy boring you?”

Shoot that Poison Arrow Through My Heart

Johnny Sixguns was uncomfortable to say the least – it was low grade straw he was resting upon. Gazing up at the cell’s ceiling, he wondered if Lady Marzipan was faring any better. Probably not; Lord Toranaga was a pretty despicable varmit. He probably was applying the old honey and ant routine by now, laughing maniacally in standard fashion. Johnny Sixguns was going to make him pay for that.

Actually, Lady Marzipan was seated at one end of a long oaken dining room table in a quality, well-padded dining room chair. The chair arms were a little high and didn't fit under the table so that was a little awkward. Tornaga was seated at the other end per standard idiom. There were lots of candles and highly flammable fabrics draped about the room.

“I do not speak of love” Toranaga said.

“Your love is rotten to the core” replied Lady M

“I’ve told you before, I do not wish to speak of love” Lord Toranaga continued, “And I suggest you re-consider my offer if you care for your friends.”

Lady M would have none of this - “Toranaga, I care enough that I can never love you!”
The horrible Lord Toranaga rose from his seat and said “In that case you will bleed for I have no time to mess about!”

Lady Marzipan was outraged but maintained an unflustered exterior. As she idly picked at her cheese toast she quietly exclaimed, “My friends will come and crush you Toranaga.”

“Oh I don’t think so because EVEN IF they make it past my Sahuagin warriors and the Daughters of Odin AND Count Grimani AND the black chainmail turtleneck wearing assassins at the Kristal Stadt Coffee House at Kierkagaard Square, I still have two of my top agents on the Planetary Sovereign! MUHAHAHAHHAHAHA” Toranaga cackled.

Lady M looked momentarily taken aback.

Toranaga raised a crystal goblet of egg nogg to his lips and spoke, “Ah yes, I am well aware of what has been going on aboard your friend, the Admiral’s vessel - we shall be prepared for them and I’m afraid they shall all die.”