Lords Cricket Rules Revised for the Future

Young Lord Stuart Turnip, Second Viscount Lockgate Ct. has just been registered for his formal training in cricket. According to the rather jaked rules of cricket in the quaint American colony of Vir-gin-ia we will be playing with a stand known as a "Tee".

I'm not sure I can wrap my coconut around the notion that the lad is beginning his sport career already at age four. Ah well, I'll drive him unmercifully from dawn til dusk and take all the fun out of it for him. Years later when he's doing the same thing to his progeny trying to recapture his faded glory, he'll remember how I drove him past the point of tears.

I shall commence to the local sporting goods shoppe to purchase 6 cans of "base-balls" and a pitching machine so he can practice fielding grounders directly.

This Weekend: Fox Hunting!

You are cordially invited, this Saturday morn, to attend a day of socializing and sportsmanship as guest of Brigadier A. J. Rossaroni KCMG, of HRM's Royal Eppington Fusiliers, at the estate of his cousin, the Duke of Portland. As honored guest will be Prince Otto of Bavaria.

The Brigadier will be acting as Master of Hounds, and the Blessing of the Hounds will begin promptly at 8 a.m. A 3 pounds sterling cap will be required from all guests.

A note to all participants regarding behavior in and around the main house. The Duke is a solitary man and does not like to be engaged in conversation. If you see him anywhere on the estate grounds, you are instructed to ignore him as if he were not there. And make no eye contact either. Under NO circumstances are you to enter any of his vast underground tunnels and buildings, such as his 174 x 64 foot subterranean ballroom, his 250 foot long underground libray, or the 15 miles of tunnels that criss-cross the estate.

A note to participants is also in order for certain aspects of Prince Otto's behavior. At times he will bark like a dog or complain of painful boils on his feet. Please refrain from drawing too much attention to any such comments. Also, as he hasn't taken his boots off in 8 weeks, he will tend to be a bit maloderous. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause but, remember, he IS royalty and, therefore, our better. He also has a particular dislike of peasants, and claims that shooting "one a day" helps him maintain his health. Not that this needs saying, but please do not dress in any way like a peasant while the Prince is present and armed.

All things considered, it should be a marvelous day out in the glorious English countryside. See you all there!

BG Rossaroni KCMG

Detroit Bowlers Roust Peasants of Florida Southern College

So sorry to hear about the travails of Lord Woodpecker-Smyth with the highwayman but I have happier news.

Lord Turnip loves nothing more than his favorite cricketers the beloved Detroit Nine Squad. Today in their impressive first innings of the season they shattered the poor benighted of something known as Florida Southern College. Gads! If you can't get into an Oxbridge university why go?

As I understand it the bowlers from the Detroit Nine hit around several times using the quaint American "Base-Ball" rules which they seem to want to do these days and the score was something like 17-4 (heavens, how could such a low score be entertaining?) and they hit five of what are known as "home runs."

I hope they revert to the familiar Imperial Cricket Conference rules as played at Lords.

Robbed at Gun and Swordpoint!

I was on my way to Lord Turnip's estate at East Whiffenpoof for our weekly game of Whist when our party was beset by highwaymen. As our carriage sped through the earthly delight that is the Whiffenpoof Glen, the impertinent scoundrel pictured above lept from a tree branch and launched a scathing critique of our frocks! Indeed. Although none of us was harmed, including the charming Lady Lime Wedge, the blackguard forced me to surrender both my stereo and record collection whilst he and his confederates escaped to loud rock music.

Lord Turnip Indirectly Responsible For Loss of England's American Colonies

It turns out that Lord Turnip's namesake (aka Charles Townshend, 2nd Viscount) utter shame that he was responsible, through his son Charles Townshend, (3rd Viscount Townshend) for the Stamp Act which caused the rough hewn American colonists to rebel against their beloved King.

If only we had come up with a limited federalist scheme for devolving control of domestic affairs to the colonists with limited representation in the Houses of Parliment (Commons only of course).

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I just hope that Lord Stuart Turnip doesn't become a pirate or a fighter pilot that exclusively flies to protect pirates. Although he claims that he is a good pirate and that sometimes the fighter pilot has to attack the sharks that are attacking the pirates.

Somali Tribesman Runs for President of Former British Colony in Americas

According to grubby proletarian reporters from the Manchester Guardian, a Somali goatherder is running for President of our former colonies in the Americas. This points out a couple of failings:

• We should have beaten them in the 1775-1783 and 1812-1815 wars
• This is a cautionary tale about the folly of democracy . . . GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
• We should immediately re-invade the colonies to liberate loyal tories.

The Duke of Northumberland At It Again!

What! Exclusion of the hereditary peers!!! The next thing you know the MPs will clamor for the dissolution of the Order of St. Patrick!!! Do I detect the not so subtle hand of that arch-commoner-lover, the Duke of Northumberland's hand in this cabal! Shame! Shame!

Woodpecker-Smythe

PS My manservant Sebastian has alerted me that the Order of St Patrick has been dormant for quite some time - I therefore selectively retract my outrage.

An Act to restrict membership of the House of Lords by virtue of a hereditary peerage; to make related provision about disqualifications for voting at elections to, and for membership of, the House of Commons; and for connected purposes.

[11th November 1999]

Be it enacted by the Queen’s most Excellent Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal, and Commons, in this present Parliament assembled, and by the authority of the same, as follows:—

1 Exclusion of hereditary peers

No-one shall be a member of the House of Lords by virtue of a hereditary peerage.

2 Exception from section 1

(1) Section 1 shall not apply in relation to anyone excepted from it by or in accordance with Standing Orders of the House.

(2) At any one time 90 people shall be excepted from section 1; but anyone excepted as holder of the office of Earl Marshal, or as performing the office of Lord Great Chamberlain, shall not count towards that limit.

(3) Once excepted from section 1, a person shall continue to be so throughout his life (until an Act of Parliament provides to the contrary).

(4) Standing Orders shall make provision for filling vacancies among the people excepted from section 1; and in any case where—

(a) the vacancy arises on a death occurring after the end of the first Session of the next Parliament after that in which this Act is passed, and

(b) the deceased person was excepted in consequence of an election,

that provision shall require the holding of a by-election.

(5) A person may be excepted from section 1 by or in accordance with Standing Orders made in anticipation of the enactment or commencement of this section.

(6) Any question whether a person is excepted from section 1 shall be decided by the Clerk of the Parliaments, whose certificate shall be conclusive.

3 Removal of disqualifications in relation to the House of Commons

(1) The holder of a hereditary peerage shall not be disqualified by virtue of that peerage for—

(a) voting at elections to the House of Commons, or

(b) being, or being elected as, a member of that House.

(2) Subsection (1) shall not apply in relation to anyone excepted from section 1 by virtue of section 2.

4 Amendments and repeals

(1) The enactments mentioned in Schedule 1 are amended as specified there.

(2) The enactments mentioned in Schedule 2 are repealed to the extent specified there.