Commentary: Turnips Corner

Salutations Friends, fellow ministers of Parliament!

Turnips here to share some thoughts on issues of the day. I've decided to use Sports Illustrated writer Peter King's Ten Things I Think I Think format because he's a professional journalist and I'm not.

So here are ten things I think I think:

One: The United States needs the F-22 and OV-22 program because they were featured prominently in the movie Transformers. It would be a shame if the real transformers came to Earth and we didn't have those.

Two: General Motors is right to scrap the Pontiac brand because the name is insensitive to Aboriginal Americans. And while we are on this subject I do not think the Cleveland Indians Chief Wahoo logo is insensitive at all. Most native Americans I've met look just like that.

[SARCASM]

(Chief Wahoo: Racist symbol for Cleveland's racist fans who should be off beating their kids, rather than watching a baseball game)

Third: The finest coming-of-age movie of the last 40 years is The Karate Kid.

Four: The Home Rule question must be struck down the next time it comes to a vote. Until we civilize Ireland and bring good order to that place we cannot in good conscience allow them the privilege of self government.

Five: You really can't get a decent sandwich south of Baltimore or North of Cambridge. It has to do with the water used to make the bread.

Six: I am fascinated by the possibilities of Muon spin spectroscopy. As you know Muon spin spectroscopy is an experimental technique based on the implantation of spin polarized muons in matter and on the detection of the influence of the atomic, molecular or crystalline surroundings on their spin motion. The motion of the muon spin is due to the magnetic field experienced by the particle and may provide information on its local environment in a very similar way to other magnetic resonance techniques, such as Electron spin resonance (ESR or EPR) and, more closely, Nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR). Just think what this could mean in the world of agriculture?

Seven: While I appreciate his poems, Shelley is a pig and a bounder. I do not think Barrister's Keep should invite him to speak and I think we deserve an apology for his actions in Italy during our visit on the Turnips yacht. Lady Turnips and I would also appreciate it if he would return the 50 bob in silverware he took from our dining set.

(Percy Bysshe Shelley: total wanker)

Eight: I stand firmly with the Clapham Sect on the issue of the Slave trade.

Nine: Is there anything finer than an ale on the veranda during a soft spring rain?

Ten: Do not go to the 22nd century if you can help it. I don't want to ruin the surprise for you but lets just say Orangutans are not a good bet for domestication.