Freeing the Nautlilus

Lord Turnips cocked the cruddy commy knock-off automatic and checked the action. Rough, durable, made of lousy commie pig iron. In many ways it resembled the lousy commies who designed it and built it. No self-respecting American would have chosen it as his primary weapon. The kind of metal that won't really last because its a knock-off of a knock-off. Some Chinese weapons plant got the blue prints from some Ruskie who stole the plans from an American or a British plant where a guy had to actually do some thinking. Dirty commie sneaks getting over on hard-working arms manufacturers just trying to make a living the honest way.





Lord Turnips spat. "Lousy commies."

(Lord Turnips demonstrates how he'd give the back of his hand if a commie was around)



He looked over the blood-soaked halls of the Nautilus and regarded his school chum Brigadier Rossoroni and school associate, and debtor Lord Woodpecker-Smythe. Rossoroni looked like he could handle a fight. His recent dietary and lifestyle changes seemed to have given him back some of the energy that saw him take down one of Napoleon's columns at Talavera with the 2nd Division under Daddy Hill. Woodpecker-Smythe was always wirey like showbusiness people usually are. Gdamn artists are always mooching and usually begging from meal to meal. Turnips figured he'd run at the first sign of a fight if he hadn't been trained by Don Jaime in Spain in fancy sword-fighting on the supposed notion that it would help make his stage fights more "believable". In his mind he could recall the day Woodpecker-Smythe was at his country house with his miserable hat in his miserable artist hands begging for money for the sword training. "Say Turnips, my production of Oh Calcutta could really use this."



Turnips spat: "Damn artists"!

Brigadier Rossoroni realizing that the moment to use the Mickey Spillane-ified Lord Turnips as a means of recapturing the Nautilus, getting back on track to recover Captain Stuart Turnips and possibly recapture the Ur-Gin was now. He took the copy of Catcher in the Rye from Woodpecker-Smythe and smacked Turnips over the back of the head.

He began speaking slowly:

"Lord Turnips. You are angry. You are very angry."

He flipped open the first page.

"Holden Caufield was angry too. You remember when I asked you to read this book, don't you? You remember when I had you stay at my country estate for that fortnight and I read you this book?"

He turned the page slowly.

"Holden Caufield hated phony people didn't he? You remember when I gave you the delicious golden elixir and had your read this book, don't you?"

He turned the page.

"Holden Caufield hated the people who captured the Nautilus and he hates the Chinese General who captured your beloved son, Stuart."

He turned the page.

"We are going to storm the bridge and I need you to fight until everyone of the crew on the bridge is dead and ignore every thing you hear from anyone else but me until I tell you to read this book again. When I tell you that you will go back to being the genial Lord Turnips, lover of agriculture, country gentleman."