The Approach to Scaramanga

(Princess Margaret, as she departed the Kensington Townhome of the Turnips)




Editor’s Note: Captain Stuart Turnips at his Father Lord Turnip Townshend’s request has travelled back to 1966 (n.b., that this is one year prior to the birth of your humble author). The young Stuart Turnips has brought his ship and crew with him for a special mission to restore the family fortune after an unfortunate gambling loss to Princess Margaret, Her Royal Highness, The Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon. Exactly what was being wagered by Lord Turnips and the Princess are unknown. What is known is that the humble narrator wanted to move the Blue Side of American into the story while waiting for Lord Woodpecker-Smythe to provide his side of the story or Heaven forfend, Lady Marzipan.

Chapter 1: The Plan

Captain Stuart Turnips frowned. It was part of his nature to be a worrier. As captain of the Blue Side of American he knew that the lives of his crew depended on him being a worrier. On this voyage to Tunga Island in the wine-dark waters of the South China Sea to capture Scaramanga he would need his crew to arrive sharp and ready. If the voyage took longer than the two months he and his quartermaster Luke Lowenfish had planned, he might have to seek re-provisioning in a friendly port; but to do so might tip off Scaramanga. Captain Stuart knew that Scaramanga was in league with the Chinese Communist and that they would have agents working in all the harbors in the region. Unless he chanced a stop in Sri Lanka or somewhere just on the far side of Suez he knew that he was putting his crew at risk. He knew that he hadn’t enough stores and provisions for a straight shot all the way from the West Coast of Michigan all the way to Tunga Island. His crew’s recent penchant for gumballs in particular was a resource concern. He was worrying so much that he was starting to grow whiskers.

Finally, he and his First Mate Sean Simon agreed that the best choice was to avoid Suez and go around the Cape Horn and put in for provisions in Walvis Bay – hoping that the remote Namibian (back then it was South African) port would be far enough from the watchful eyes of the inscrutable CHICOMs.

(Gum, sweet and pure.)

Captain Stuart’s only hope was that, in Walvis Bay, the Double Bubble would be fresh and that he could provide his men with Chiclets in the manner they were accustomed. He did not relish the thought of getting to the South China Sea with an angry crew coming off a sugar crash. He also feared the possibility that they would arrive too late to avoid the tropical monsoons in the Indian Ocean.

(Holy Gin and Tonics! You don't want to be sailing through the Indian Ocean in these clouds)

Chapter 2: The Approach

After three weeks at sea, the Blue Side of American settled into Walvis Bay to large crowds of adoring, Afrikaans and Xhosa -speaking tribesmen. His crew of earnest 4 and 5 year old pirates were thrilled by Walvis Bay's attractions include the artificial Bird Island-the centre of a guano collection industry, the Dune 7 sand dune, the salt works, extensive birdlife, guano museum, and Kuisebmund Stadium, home to the Namibian football team. As his men began work on provisioning the ship they discovered that Namibian gum supplies were shockingly low and that a shipment from the massive gum factories of Brazil was not expected for another week. Captain Stuart decided that crew happiness had to be paramount with the tradeoff in gum quality and freshness could be a delightful benefit of waiting.

Unfortunately, the gum shipment was delayed by dockworker strikes in South America, no doubt stirred up by Che Guevara and his band of Maoist no-goodniks. The crew of Blue Side of American began to run into trouble in Walvis Bay’s rather limited dockside nocturnal attractions. Small fights over small matters brewed up into scuffles with local gum merchants. These donnybrooks grew into major brawls and led to several of the crew being thrown into the local gaol. While in the Walvis Bay Municipal Correctional Facility under the kind attentions of the South African police, some of the crew began to share why they were in town with their fellow prisoners, who although mostly comprising local drunkards and petty criminals, also contained a fair number of “politicals” who would be sure to share this information with their masters in the COMINTERN.


(Those Dirty Communists, can't they shave even?)

Upcoming chapters:

Chapter 3: A Stunning Trap!

Chapter 4: The Reeducation of an English Gentleman

Chapter 5: Escape from an un-Peasant Purgatory

Chapter 6: General Tang Gets his Comeuppance