Turnips Rates the American Candidates

Ahoy oy. Lord Turnips here to rate the political candidates for election to the Throne of America. As I understand it there are a couple of folks running.

This guy: Possibly the decendent of East African Shaykhdom but according to Turnips research, Mother's side was bomb throwing anarchists. So he's some odd mix of stuff. He'll probably suffer from an identity crisis like the character Spock from the TV show (n.b., his ears). Like Spock, He'd be in constant turmoil.

This guy: As I understand it this is a woman running to be King. We British have plenty of experience with female leadership. From the reign of good Queen Bess in the 16th Century, to Queen Anne when we really started to smash the Frogs (and the Scotts) all the way up to the reign of our dear glorious Victoria. Later, I understand that two Queens dominated the 20th Century: Queen Maggie [Thatcher] who told the rabblerousing Reds and those Wogs in Argentina to stick it, and a second Queen Elizabeth who apparently, enjoyed reading something called tabloids. Anyway. We British have proven it can be done and done well. So, does that argue for this sandwich-gobbling, beer-swigging, shot-quaffing roughneck? Hardly. As I understand it her people were coal miners from Pennsylvannia. So she lacks the grace to rule anything more than a beerhall drinking contest. I also understand there is some concern that her husband once was an elected official during the later 20th Century so she may not even be eligible to be King/Queen or whatever.

This guy: As I understand it this chap was once a prisoner of a people known as the Vietnamese. Now, that isn't something I'd be proud of. These Vietnamese are so primative that they call their missiles "fire arrows" and their data processing machines "Apples." So this guy has already got a couple strikes against him. As far as Lord Turnips understands he comes from a US Naval family. Well. I suppose that is fine, and all, but we Brits have a tradition of keeping the sea going types away from the throne. We had to put Sir Walter Raleigh in his place in the Tower of London when he got a bit too close to Queen Bess. These nautical types are just a bit too rough around the edges to rule properly. He has a lot in common with the chap in the pant suit actually. Maybe those two should get married. In any event I understand it he's not even much liked by the American version of the Tory party so he's going to have a rough go of it.

LATE BREAKING: Turnips here has remembered some additional information about this guy. It turns out he's Scots Irish via Appalachia. Holy mother of Dewars, Jamison, and Bushmills you'd have fist fights in the throne room from all the drunken relatives he'd have. They'd have to build a porch on the White House just so they could pee off it.

Frankly, I don't see this election going well for the Colonies. Too bad they couldn't re-elect that dashing young man from the Quaker family who stood up to the evil CIA director so well in this scene.