LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sirs,

Recently I have begun wearing a stoat over my upper-lip. May I join the Handle-bar Mustache Club?

Respectfully,
Madame Pompadour
Lanzarote, The Canary Islands, Spain


Dear Madame Pompadour,

I’m afraid not. You see the Handle-bar Moustache Club is not open to residents of the Canary Islands. However, your stoat may seek membership if he can prove he is descended from English stoats. Please refer to “The Wind in the Willows” if you have further questions.

Regretfully,
The editors


Dear Guv’nah,

What ever happened wif all ‘em murders on that train?

‘fanks,
Grimey


Dear Grimey,

Which train? The 806 out of Birmingham, the 922 out of Cornwall or the 1266 out of Lancaster? Or was it that one with the Girl Guides?

Sincerely,
The editors


Dear Guv’nah,

It was da one wif ‘em Girl Guides and a Rakshasa hunter onitt.

‘fanks again,
Grimey


Dear Grimey,

Thanks for clearing things up. With so many awful accidents these days many of British Rail’s customers automatically assume “murder most foul.” That is not the case, however, as the incidents on the Caliban with the Girl Guides and Dr. Mixo were clearly a series of awful mishaps. I’m sure it shall all be cleared up soon.

Best regards,
The editors


Dear Editors,
Oh, ‘fanks. Me and me missus was worried.

Best wishes,

Grimey

Dear Grimey,

Please go away now.

The editors



Dear Editors,

When is that lazy-bones, son-of-a-jackal, Commodore Thorton-Pickle going to write a column? I’ve been waiting and waiting.

Regards,
The Brigadier


Dear Brigadier,

We expect something soon. When it arrives we are certain that it will be a third rate effort similar to most of his work at Cambridge.

Sincerely,
The editors


Dear Editors,

What do you think frumpy shoes say about a man?

Respectfully,
Commodore Thornton-Pickle

PS I saw what the Brigadier wrote by the way.



Dear Commodore,

We think you are displaying a bit too much cheek, thank you very much. Please stop insinuating the Brigadier wears frumpy shoes.

Sincerely,
The editors


Dear Editors,

I didn’t insinuate that. It was one of Turnips.

Regards,
Commodore T-P

Dear Editors,
Oh no, it wasn’t. It was one of Woodpecker-Smythe’s

Cheerio,
Turnips