Scaramanga's Dating Advice

Chapter 7: This Difficult Transition

Scaramanga sat down to his IBM Selectric typewriter. Little known in the international crime circles in which he operated was that he also wrote dating advice for single guys published in the Hearst Magazine family (e.g., Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Seventeen, Town and County) under the nom de plum "Molly."

Molly's Dating Advice for Single Guys

Nice shoes make a nice statement about the man

Frumpy shoes make a different statement about the man

This is a shout out to all the highly dateable men in the world who make the single worst mistake you can with a woman on a date: wearing bad shoes.
Consider your date like a souffle. Once it falls, nothing can save it.
Perhaps you've been tap dancing around a gorgeous brunette for weeks
and finally she says yes to a date. You fatten your wallet and make plans to impress her with an obscure French country bistro tucked away in a secret urban garden. The sommelier gives you a discreet nod of respect in regard to your wine choice. Your date is smiling. She leans in closer. She seems interested. Only she's not. Not anymore. When you sat down to dinner, your pant legs lifted and exposed your yellow-balled socks When you sat down to dinner, your pant legs lifted and exposed your yellow-balled socks tucked inside your "slightly cracked" black dress shoes with laces that droop over the sides like baby basset hound ears. Before you even ordered, the souffle fell. . . .

Scaramanga turned to Captain Stuart Turnips, the semi-captive son of Lord Charles "Turnip" Townshend of the 2nd Viscount Townshend,

"Its a hobby but it pays for my air fares. I find that inane writing about absolutely nothing can be a great way to relieve stress as well. "

"Yeah but these columns are horrible." Stuart leafed through a stack of magazines. "How much could they possibly pay you to write this dreck?"

"Well, you would be surprised. As our readership grew we started to get advertising offers. I remember the salad days when we had as few as 1860 subscribers according to the Bravenet circulation service."

Captain Stuart cleared his throat and changed the subject: "Look old boy. I appreciate all you have done for me rescuing me from the communists and all but I really need to figure out how to rescue my crew. I'm willing to forgive and forget all about the debt you owe HMG's government." "

Scaramanga's face lit up at the mention of the Queen. "Are you sure? All could be forgiven? Say no more. We can rescue your crew. I've got just the plan."