Deadly Scaramanga

Lord Turnip Townshend pointed to a small island on the chart. “If Scaramanga is anywhere, he’s here on Tunga Island. This island is where he maintains his private army of martial artists and where he’s conducting solar energy experiments under the protection of the Chinese People's Democratic Republic. “

“Solar energy? I’ve heard you mention that before. What is that?” asked young Captain Stuart Townshend, aka Young Turnips.

“Quite simply it’s the power of Old Sol absorbed and refocused so that it can be directed in a concentrated beam of pure energy. It would be like using a magnifying glass on an ant.”

“W-w-wa-wha!?” Young Turnips interrupted.

“. . .a magnifying glass that you would use to burn ants…has nobody taught you this?”

Young Turnips considered the possibilities. No, he had never considered the potential fun of burning ants with a magnifying glass. He stroked his chin and thought silently ‘I’ll have to try that one when I get done talking to Father.’

“So anyway you were saying about the island and the secret solar power experiments and the army of martial artists. Doesn’t Scaramanga care that he’s living in a cliché? Wasn't that part of the plot of Enter the Dragon and the spoof in Kentucky Fried Movie?"










(Scaramanga's army of martial artists, Scaramanga, and his helper Nick Nack)

Lord Turnips waited for his boy to finish. “Francisco Scaramanga is the single deadliest shot in the World. He charges over a million pounds sterling for each kill and Her Majesty’s Government has put a bounty on his head of fifteen million pounds. If you could bring his head and the slightly smaller head of his assistant Nick Nack, you could do quite a bit to redress this family’s balance of payments. We could afford to purchase deck armor for your ship Blue Side of American." He paused . . . “and it would do you a bit of good to get out and get some sunshine and fresh air.”

“and there is one more thing.”

“What else?” asked Young Turnips.

“Scaramanga may know the location of Prince Otto and Lady Marzipan. They were both recently seen near Tunga Island. Or at least we have a report that the two of them were comrades of the People’s Liberation Army’s 41st Army Group commander Lieutenant General Wango Tang and were with him in his box during a recent parade."

"How do we know it is them" asked young Turnip.

"Well we know that the Prince is there because the picklehaub is very much out of place in that setting. He's also shooting 50-60 peasants a day. Apparently, the entire country is rife with them."

"also, we have reports that Lady Marzipan has taken to wearing those very tight Chinese silk dresses with the slit up the leg and has her hair done up in a very elaborate fashion. She’s also wearing an inordinate amount of makeup and impossibly high heels.” As he spoke Lord Turnips voice trailed off and he looked off in the distance.

(Maybe Lady Marzipan was wearing something like this, and Prince Otto was wearing one of these? Maybe General Tang looked like this?)

Young Turnips interrupted: “ I wonder if she’s trying to seduce General Tang?”

Lord Turnips muttered to himself. “You don’t know about melting ants but you know about that? I have got to cancel that Cinemax." He turned to his young son " They were also seen in the company of a man dressed as we are: in the garb of the late 19th century."

"Could Woodpecker-Smythe be with them?" asked young Turnips.

"He could well indeed be."

With that, Young Turnips got up and stood up with his chest thrust out and legs splayed and his arms akimbo. "I'll find old W-S if it costs me every man in my crew! And I'll catch that rat Scaramanga and eliminate his army of martial artists and get that rascal Nick Nack too!"

. . . and then he turned to his father Lord Turnips and his voice got softer "Daddy, if I can sail into Chinese waters, capture Scaramanga, rescue Lord Woodpecker-Smythe from Lady Marzipan and Prince Otto, and recover the Q device . . . can I get a toy from the toy store?"

With that Lord Turnips tusselled the young lad's hair and said "we'll see, Son" in a manner that suggested that he could probably get a couple toys.