Poetry Corner - Ode to Green Plumbing

You may talk o' gin and beer

When you're quartered safe in 'ere,

An' you're sent to penny-fights in the guvment;

But when it comes to urinatin’

You will do your business without water,

An' you'll lick the boots of the man who fixes the johnny.

Now in Northern Virginia's sunny clime,

Where I used to spend my time A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the President,

Of all them blue shirted crew

The finest man I knew

Was our regimental Sloan waterfree flushless urinal repairman,

Sloan Valve Company Man.

He was "Sloan! Sloan! Sloan!

You limpin' lump o' brick-dust,

Sloan Valve Company Man!

Hi! slippery hitherao!

Urinal repair, get it!

Panee lao!

You squidgy-nosed old idol,

Sloan Valve Company Man.

"Thank the maker for your 2" drainline, which eliminates water and sewage costs and
helps reduce maintenance expenses.

'E carried me away

To where a dooli lay,

An' a bullet come an' drilled the beggar clean.

'E put me safe inside,

An' just before 'e died,

"I 'ope you liked your urination", sez Sloan Valve Company Man.

So I'll meet 'im later on

At the place where 'e is gone --Where it's always double drill and no canteen;

'E'll be squattin' on the coals

Givin' urination relief to poor damned souls,

An' I'll get to salute you in hell Sloan Valve Company Man!

Yes, Sloan! Sloan! Sloan!

You Lazarushian-leather Sloan Valve Company Man!

Though I've belted you and flayed you,

By the livin' Gawd that made you,

You're a better man than I am, Sloan !

Rudyard Kipling 1892

Poetry Corner notes: At my new office we have these delightful green technology urinals that promise to be flushless and waterless. Fantastic! Except there is a reason why in the relatively well-Irrigated eastern United States we don't have to have foul smelling bathrooms. These smells are the work of these brand new Sloan flushfree water free urinals.